


Extremely rare, and just for you

by malcolm_fucking_tucker



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Banter, F/M, Humor, Sarcasm, Trials
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-07
Updated: 2015-04-10
Packaged: 2018-03-21 18:46:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3702273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malcolm_fucking_tucker/pseuds/malcolm_fucking_tucker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Doctor takes Clara to a flower museum. All hell breaks lose. Lots oh humor ( I hope), banter and all around silliness. Quite a bit of sarcasm, and some suggestive themes. Hence the rating</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. To touch, or not to touch

**Author's Note:**

> It seems I go from one extreme to another. Either very dark, or very silly fiction. Well, hope you enjoy this rather light version of Doctor and Clara relationship.

She made an observation about the beauty of flowers in the morning mist, as the light reflects of tiny droplets of dew on their petals. 

 

He was more interested in the philosophical attributes of said flower; that was rising in the middle of a barren field, defying all odds. What if some brute stomps on it? Or some silly child picks it up? It would die, he remarked sadly. Flowers should last forever; he added locking his eyes on the horizon, deep in thought. He then proceeded to tell her how on some planets it is illegal to destroy flowers; punishable by death even, and how that brought upon a set of different problems. Such as; that certain carnivorous plants were now running amok, biting people’s ankles as they passed. Funny things- flowers... But she wasn’t listening. The flower that caught her attention was now adjusting to the breeze that softly caressed it. She smiled. 

 

-“Clara, are you listening to me?”- Doctor interrupted her.

 

-“Sorry, lost you there for a moment. Pretty flower and all.”- she said winking at him.

 

-“You humans- and your attention spans. It’s remarkable how you manage to accomplish anything really.”- Doctor was now slightly offended and decided to show it by scoffing and burying his hands into his pockets in protest.

 

-“What do you expect. You talk all the time.”- Clara replied turning her attention to the flower once again. He sighed.

 

-“What I was saying was- are you interested in seeing the museum of the most beautiful and rarest flowers in the universe?” That brought her attention back on him in a nanosecond.

 

-“Sure.”- she said.

 

-“Not nearly excited enough”- he remarked-“but that will soon be rectified.”- Doctor grinned and took her by the hand to the TARDIS that was parked nearby.

******************************************************

 

The museum was actually a planet- naturally. And as soon as they arrived, Clara’s jaw dropped to the floor. Of course she has not seen anything like it, how could she? Doctor started explaining: Each flower is preserved in its unique way. Some are frozen, some coated in chemicals, others preserved in carbon, or in a force field; but all were indescribably beautiful. Clara was currently ogling a particular rare orchid species that was frozen, as it seems; and suspended in mid air, while turning slowly round an invisible axis. The ice crystals were not only for freezing the flower, Doctor said, but also provided some rather amazing features. Each flower has a different reaction to the freezing process, Doctor tried to explain. Based on his biological traits and emotional state (yes, you heard well), and that those crystals also kept it fresh; supplying minerals and oxygen and all sorts of different things. So the flower can remain fresh forever.

 

-“Neat, don’t you think?”- Doctor asked, to which Clara just nodded astounded at the view in front of her. 

 

-“Wait here, don’t move. I’ll bring us special glasses to look at the crystals.” 

Because, you see, they are not static. They move creating harmonies of patterns, and it’s spectacular; and they simply _must_ see it up close.

 

-“I won’t be a minute.”- and with that he vanished into the crowd. Clara’s eyes were still fixed on the flower that was rotating in front of her face. It had a black stem, and the flower itself was covered in crystals, but all the amazing colors dripped through with ease. Blue, red, yellow and violet; all converging into one color at the top, giving the spectator a spectacle.

 

Next to it was an electric blue flower, with red horns and black thorns. It was coated with some kind of liquid, Clara noticed, that was moving over the petals. And when the light beam would fall on it, it made it seem like the flower was indeed violet, or black, or, wait- _red_? Also, it had black vines that were constantly tangling around each other, and reaching into open space. How is that possible? She wondered and reached her finger to connect with a particular vine, which was now standing erect as if searching for something in the air.

 

Deafening noise made her grasp her ears in pain. _ALARM! ALARM!_

 

-“What?!”- she gasped and turned around, noticing that everyone was looking at her. The alarm was whisked into silence, and two robotic creatures were now standing next to her; behind them a small, weirdly dressed man, holding a piece of paper in front of his round nose.

 

-“Please do not try to escape”- he said in a monotonous voice. -“You will now be escorted to the holding area, and processed before execution. Remain calm.”

 

-“What?!”- Clara yelled as the two robots grasped her arms on both sides; blank expressions on their metal faces.

 

Doctor appeared holding two pairs of glasses in his hands, clearly puffed from running.

 

-“Clara? What’s happening?”

 

-“I don’t know. I just tried to touch one of the flowers, and there was an alarm, and _these_ came out of nowhere.”

 

-“You tried to t...”- Doctor covered his face with his palm, exhaling loudly. Then started coming towards the robots and the little man; that has finished reading, but was still holding the piece of paper in front of his face.

 

-“Excuse me.”- Doctor interrupted his narcoleptic séance. “There has been a misunderstanding,”- he started explaining, but the little man held out his hand silencing him. He retrieved yet another paper from his ever so strange robe, and began reading it in the same monotonous voice as before:

 

-“All prisoners will be escorted to the holding cells that are located in the lower levels of the museum. Visitors are permitted... _NEVER_... (Electronic voice interrupted his human one). Please comply, and we hope you will visit us again.” He finished in his humanoid voice, blinking a couple of times. 

 

-“Doctor...”- Clara started, as the robots began pulling her towards some very suspicious doors.

 

-“Don’t worry Clara, you’ll be fine. Just relax.”

 

-“I _am_ relaxed.”- she yelled at him, struggling against the metal grip violently. 

 

-“A bit more relaxed than that.”- he suggested over the shoulder of one of the robots, as he walked beside them.-“The more you struggle, the more force they use. Computer brain; really no way out of it now.”

 

-“Fine.”- Clara said relaxing, and letting them take her. –“But you’d better fix this.”-she added throwing him a significant glance.

 

-“When do I not? OK, don’t answer that.” And with that, the Doctor was out of the view, and Clara was being rushed deep into the dark tunnels; presumably towards the holding cells, or maybe even death.

**************************************

 

The cell was a rather small one, and Clara was seated in the middle of it, on a wooden chair. Hands shackled together in front of her, and secured to the floor. She was positioned there by those robots, some 30 minutes ago; they tied her down, thanked her for cooperating, and walked out leaving her alone. 

 

The walls of the cell were a thing for themselves. Carved in fluorescent lights, were the images of flowers that were currently on display in the museum. 

 

-“Brilliant,” – she thought- “mocking me now, are we? And now, I’m talking to the walls”- she was just starting to get angry at herself, when the door swung open, and a certain absent-minded Time-Lord strolled in, as if liberating his surroundings. 

 

-“Oh, there you are.”- he said casually.

 

-“Where the _hell_ have you been?”

 

-"Well, Clara”- he started sarcastically- “they don’t allow visitors, as you already know, in case you haven’t forgotten, which does happen sometimes... Well most of the times... So I had to convince them that I was your lawyer. Took me a couple of seconds.”

 

-“And the rest of the time?!”

 

-“I got distracted.”- he said- “Wow, now this is a remarkable cell; you really are quite lucky Clara.”- Doctor said enthusiastically admiring the walls.

 

-“I swear to God, if you don’t stop that right now, I will brake these chains and kick you somewhere the Sun doesn't shine! Now,”- she calmed her voice forcefully, -“how do you intend to get me out?-she said calmly.

 

-“Well, there’s too much of them to make a run for it. So we’ll have to do the trial.”- he said still looking at the walls.

 

-“There is a trial?!”

 

-“Oh yes. But it’s just and administrative thing. They already know the sentence. They’ll probably just cut off your arms- nothing to worry about.”

 

-“What?! How is that nothing to worry about?”

 

-“They grow back, don’t they?”- Doctor was confused now. –“Oh, wait, wrong species,” he drifted for a second.-”Never mind, I’ll try and fix this.”

 

-“Yeah, _do_ try.”- she said cynically.

 

-“Well, you kind of brought this upon yourself there young lady.” he started.

 

-“Oh , _you_ can talk! What happened to –I will always have your back???-”

 

-“That was before you were a thief, Clara.”

 

-“I just touched it! I’m not a thief!”

 

-“What about my shirts? You keep stealing them, and then sleeping in them...How do you explain that?”

 

-“Borrowing...”

 

-“Whatever,”- he interrupted her. “Bad habit and all. You can’t just go around stealing people’s clothes.” Doctor approached her, now looking at the shackles intently.-“I can’t have companions running around stealing...It’s embarrassing.”

 

-“You know what, fine. Just leave me here. Let them cut of my hands, I don’t care anymore!”

 

-"I can’t do that Clara. I came to this planet with you. It’d be rude to just leave you here. One must have manners, you know.”

 

-“You’re enjoying this, aren't you?” Instead of dignifying her with an answer, he simply said:

 

-“I’ll try and persuade them of your innocence. Shouldn't be too difficult, they are a very peaceful race.”

 

-“That go round, slashing people’s arms.”- Clara added, but Doctor ignored her.

 

-“You just keep your mouth shut, and your little hands to yourself.”- he finished with a wild grin at which Clara made a growling noise.

 

Doctor continued ignoring her:-“You know, I once persuaded ancient Athenians to release a certain man they caught red-handed stealing a very rare statue. Me and my mate Diogenes, that is. Brilliant fellow he was. Shame for all the spitting and, erm, other things.” he drifted a bit.

 

-“Not helping...”- Clara was beyond annoyed.

-“Like I said”- he snapped out of it-“See you in trial.” He winked playfully at Clara.

 

-“You’re impossible!”

 

-“Well, I _do_ my best.”- and with that he was out of the door.


	2. The stage

The courtroom was a spacious, magnificent amphitheater. Great wooden walls that stretched far beyond the eyes could follow and then blending into the glass ceiling. Long rows of seats and desks flowing in a semicircle were already filled up. In the middle of it all, Clara was seated on a lonely chair. Above her, on an exalted seat, was a bit sinister looking judge who was very proudly wearing the most ridiculous hat Clara’s has ever seen. On her right was the jury- a funny bunch. All talking at the same time; some to one another, most to themselves, and some preoccupied smelling the flowers that were floating in front of them. And on her left the Doctor, who was just looking around wildly, enjoying the spectacle. Insufferable little _#*@**/#_ \- Clara mouthed.

 

-“Order, order!”- judge banged his gavel, and the room silenced. A few more sniffing sounds later and all eyes were turned in him.-“Bailiff, please read the charge.”- he said.

 

-“You have been charged by virtue-(the same round nosed man from earlier was now burying his face in yet another paper)-of the Intergalactic legal procedure number 17-8-12-12 section 58 subsection 3 slash /acorn/ slash /# /dash-dragon!, for the attempt of theft of a rare specimen of _Eroborous Devil orchid_ that is currently recovering from this traumatic event.” –the silly man continued.-“You have opted for legal representation from ( _insert name_ \- computerized voice echoed), titled Doctor.”-he finished.

 

Doctor stood up hearing his name. Casually he buttoned up his red-lining jacket, as one does when standing up, and with the other hand adjusted a pair of black rimmed glasses on his face. When did he start wearing those? He stood tall, one hand now in his trouser pocket, other sifting through a bunch of papers in front of him.

 

-“Honored members of the court, esteemed jury and, erm, others.”-pause –he began his speech. His voice quite formal, falling into character instantly. 

 

Well that started great, Clara thought rolling her eyes.

 

-“I stand before you today a wronged man! Wait...no, that’s the wrong speech.” -paper sifting ensues.

 

-“What we have here is a clear representation of a multispecies-traditional-common yet not entirely understandable-misconceptualized-rule following-misguided-tinkle.”- he stopped for a moment confusing even himself.

 

That’s it- _I’m dead_ \- Clara deduced.

 

-“Miss Oswald, that sometimes goes by the name of Clara,”- he winked playfully at her-“is a member of a very lightly advanced, and dare I say, highly confused, and slightly pudding-brained species that is named Humans.”

 

Clara slaps her forehead with a thud.

 

-“The understanding of their actions often escapes even my sophisticated and incredibly advanced mind, as they are highly unpredictable and prone to emotional outbursts. But that’s another story. By my understanding, which is vast, it all has to do with those hormones that are constantly rushing through their brains and the poor beings can’t even control them. Can you imagine how horrible that must be?”- he paused raising his hands questionably at the audience. Some of them, ones not preoccupied by pretty flowers, even managed to nod at him.

 

-“Also,”- he continued in the same formal manner,-“their pudding brain mentality-for I doubt they actually have puddings for brains, but I could check that for you if needed”- he adjusted the slipping glasses with his middle finger-“ehem, their brains, pudding filled or otherwise, do not allow them to comprehend various amounts of really simple tasks; such as rules and regulations, and staying in one’s designated location.”- Doctor glanced significantly at Clara, who was at this point probably wishing for an early sentence.

 

-“Furthermore, their anatomy is very loosely connected to their not so very capacious brains; therefore they tend to lose control over their limbs.”-he glanced at the jury, in which some were now examining their own limbs suspiciously.

 

-“In conclusion, furthermore and hence for therefore, they simply cannot be expected to fully understand and follow every intergalactic law. Trust me; I learned that the hard way. I on the other hand, am a member of a very old and very wise race-Time Lords“- last two words were spoken in a rather deep voice and elicited gasps throughout the courtroom-”and I hereby pledge myself to punishing said mischievous human-woman”- he said casually pointing in the general direction of Clara-“in ways her underdeveloped brain could process and learn from. Thank you for your time.” 

 

He sits unbuttoning his jacket, and taking his glasses off. He then gave Clara a nod, as if saying- See, I can do this, piece of cake. And a smirk as a toping on the cake, to which she just mouthed something not very suitable for courtroom. He discarded that notion, making a mental note of teaching her later the importance of manners, and proper use of language.

 

Opening statements over, judge ordered for the evidence to be brought in, at which point the offended flower appeared, carried by an invisible force field, and was left to hover in the middle of the stage. It then proceeded to express its splendor to the observers, as only a flower could, eliciting gasps in the process. _It was glorious, and it knew._ After the initial adoration subsided, the judge continued.

 

-“Members of the jury, please direct your attention to the evidence number 48 slash-capricorn. Notice the clear trauma it has undoubtedly suffered.”- he looked down on some papers and began reading:

 

-“One eyewitness reported that, and I quote: _he has never seen such violence expressed upon such delicate and beautiful thing. The horrors of which he will not be able to shake off for days to come, and that he can only hope the poor flower could be persuaded to overcome this traumatic event._ ”-he finished the citation, and the jury nodded in approval.

 

-“I barely touched it!”- Clara tried to express the level of her discomfort to the amount of bull**** she has just heard, but was cut off.

 

-“Please refrain from commenting miss-defendant,”- the judge calmly said-“your legal representative is here for that.” So she turned to the Doctor and gave him an angry look. 

 

Doctor was at this point slightly startled by the mention of him, so soon after his glorious speech that is, and clumsily jolted to stand, adjusting his clothes:”Shocking, I say, indeed-yes.”- he sat down again. 

 

-“But,”- he stood up remembering he should probably do his job-“one must also consider the trauma my client suffered. All that beauty exerted upon her; she was blinded my dear guests - I mean _jury_ (he quickly corrected himself), and the poor lass could not fight the overwhelming urge. Furthermore, the flower was indeed aware of that, so it tricked her-Yes! Tricked her into reaching out! This is an evil flower you see before thee”- he said with full belief-“his evil deeds obscured only by the ravenous beauty that was bestowed upon him by its creator.”- he finished the comment with a wild hand gesture and a puff with his mouth.

 

There was some nodding in approval by the jury, while others clasped their mouths in shock. Few were still looking at the said flower mesmerized and dazed, and some were just snoring in the thick of it.

 

Clara wiggled a bit on her seat. Confused, no- _confounded_ really, by the events around her, thinking how this would be very interesting to watch from a distance; hands safe from disembodiment and all. The flower just made a few moves expressing it’s discontentment upon such ridiculous charges, and then proceeded to tangle his black vines in an internal struggle for dominance. It always had problems with that particular vine, it admitted, never following instructions, the rebel _*#-.*@??*_.

 

The judge then ordered the flower to be returned to the intensive care unit for recuperation and said:

-“Set forth the evidence number 12/slash- bubble-gum, for inspection, at which point a guard appeared carrying a silver tray and on it a pair of glasses.

 

The members of the jury that were still managing to pay attention now leaned closer to inspect the peculiar object.

 

-“This,”- judge pointed at the cardboard glasses-“is clearly a thing of awesome power and devil intentions.” The glasses were in fact 3D ones Doctor retrieved from the TARDIS earlier. Clara was now sitting with her head supported by her arm on the armrest, legs crossed; expressing her- _Clearly not amused face_ -at the whole spectacle.

 

-“Please if you would enlighten us, as to what intentions you had with using this evil object, if it is in fact- _an object."_  


 

-“But of course.”- Doctor stood up taking his reading glasses off and out of sight, so not to frighten them further. Smart move- he noted to himself.

 

-“It was a worm summer evening, and I was standing naked in the field admiring the Sun’s shine through the dying of her light when...”

 

-“Doctor!”- Clara interrupted his thought.

 

-“What? Oh, sorry- wrong thought. They get meddled sometimes in here.”- he said pointing at his curly hair, and turned his attention to the glasses that were now being guarded by two robots; laser guns pointed at them, and ready to attack at first sign of trouble.

 

-“Oh, those? I haven’t seen them before in my life.”

 

-“You were seen carrying them to the scene of the crime.”- the judge said calmly.

 

-“Oh, I was? Yes I was, of course”- he said remembering.-“Well, as I said-It was a worm summer evening,”- he proceeded but skipped the juicy part,-“...and then the flower told me to bring them around.”- he finally reached the point of importance.

 

-“The flower told you?”

 

-“I speak _flower._ ”

 

-“Why do you imagine it told you to do so?”- the judge was intrigued.

 

-‘Well if you ask me, it all has to do with its evil twin brother that was, at the time, obsessing on how to make the particularly glorious thorn of the said flower fall down, at which point the flower-the other one, that is-would be so devastated by its loss, that it most certainly would not be bothered at all...But that’s just my opinion. You’d have to ask them.”- he said raising his arms apologetically. 

 

-“Well, that sounds logical.”- judge agreed. A few more nodding from the jury and one comment on how long will this thing last, and will there be sandwiches.

 

Glasses escorted carefully with pointed lasers still on them, the judge dropped the scared expression, and replaced it with a stern one; adjusting his large hat in the process. 

 

Doctor sat down again, now getting lost in the heap of papers on the desk, searching for something, finding it and crumbling the said paper in his hand before stuffing it into his pockets.

 

-“Well I think we heard enough.”- said the judge scratching his nose. “There will now be a short interlude while the jury delivers the verdict. Meanwhile, the cocktails will be served.”- he finished, rushing towards the incoming drinks enthusiastically.


	3. The verdict

Clara was once again rushed to her cell, told to wait, and offered quite an assortment of food; out of which she could recognize only a few as something resembling “food”. So she very kindly refused.

 

She wasn’t tied down this time; the guard probably forgot, or just wanted to go and enjoy cocktails as soon as possible, by the look of it. So he just left the food on the corner desk, walked out mumbling something under breath that sounded like “rude” and “I never”, before slamming the door shut on the cell, and confused Clara’s face. So she just sat down, crossing her arms, thinking if this whole thing could possibly get any weirder at this point.

 

In walks the Doctor proving the above mentioned point with vigor and energy.

 

-“Clara! There you are.”- he yelled at her, stumbling through the door, holding them so they do not fall of, _naturally._ -“Why did you leave? I searched _everywhere_ for you.”-he said approaching Clara decisively and flying his hands around, as to show her the extent of the space he searched her in, also balancing his now dangerous wobbly, but very thin and dashing body, even if he does say so himself.

 

-“You’re drunk.”- Clara concluded, frowning her mouth and squeezing her arms on her chest a bit more.

 

-“That’s preposterous! I reject the implications of that accusation!”- Doctor practically yelled at his hand, that was now holding a finger in the direction of Clara’s feet.

 

-“Fine, prove it. Walk in a straight line.”

 

-“Puff! Lines are not straight!”- he said-“You humans and your linear progressions.”-he added wildly shaking his head; regretting it moments later as it made him rather dizzy indeed, and forced him to lean on the wall; _casually of course. ___

-“Brilliant!”- Clara said-“I’m surrounded by idiots.” 

-“Oi, that’s my line!”- Doctor said clearly offended; but soon lost his concentration on how offended that really made him feel, getting rather distracted by a shining flower on the wall. He started tracing the lines of it with his finger. 

-“Doctor!”- Clara snapped him out of that casual state, making him stumble backwards from the force of her voice. 

-“I am about to lose my arms.”-she started calmly, walking towards him-“They will be chopped off by a bunch of drunken aliens; probably badly, and you...”- she placed a finger on his chest-“... _you_ decided it was prudent to share that drink with them?”-she asked him composedly, but with a look on her face that was more or less saying - _I will fucking kill you after this, and I don’t even care if you regenerate into yet another madman, for I shall kill him as well._ \- but through a smile. 

Doctor stared at her for a moment trying to decipher the look she was giving him; deduced it was probably yet another emotional outburst humans were prone to, therefore not his fault- _clearly_ , and decided to ignore it. 

-“It’s not my fault, I had to.”- he said convincing even himself. 

-“Come again?”- Clara was now gripping his holey jumper, perhaps even a bit of the Doctor’s chest, judging by his expression. 

-“It is considered very rude to decline offerings of drink and food round here Clara. I had no choice. They are very strict about it you know.”- he said nodding and then focusing on her grip. He then managed to get out of said grip and death stare, and proceeded towards the table with “food.” 

-“Why are you not in cuffs?”- he asked stuffing a rather vile looking thing into his mouth and chewing it happily.-“You ought to be, because it seems to me you’re adding violence to your thievery now. Unacceptable.” – Doctor deduced swallowing the thing and licking his lips. 

But before she could explain to him, what would really be unacceptable by punching his face into next week, she was interrupted by the guard that came to inform them: _first of all, he was still angry about her rude behavior earlier, and secondly that the jury was returning, so they should probably go to the courtroom, or something; he doesn't really care anymore, he was that offended._

**************************************************************** 

The courtroom was now looking more like an aftermath of a huge party. Glasses everywhere; people laughing loudly and cheering as the judge came in. 

-“Thank you, thank you!”- he said raising his arms in the air.-“Most kind of you.”- judge added sitting down and placing a glass of drink on the table, next to his gavel. 

The crowd slowly assumed their positions, almost managing not to fall down from their chairs; well, most of them. 

Doctor was already seated, noticing that all this sudden commotion made him feel rather un-well. Damn alien metabolism was rapidly lowering his blood-alcohol level, and punishing him with all sorts of symptoms he rather not think about at the moment. He covered his eyes with a hand, and contemplated on having a few more shots he had stashed earlier under the desk, as to raise the alcohol level to a more agreeable one. 

-“Order!”- the judge yelled and attempted to bang his gavel, but noticed he did not have it in his hand at the time, so he just made a mental note to talk to the damn-insubordinate thing later. 

-“Members of the jury,”- he began in his formal voice, at which one of them stood up, clearly a representative of the bunch.-“have you reached a verdict upon which you all agree?”- judge commended himself for a flawless delivery of that sentence with a smile. 

-“More or less.” 

-“Meaning?”- he tried to concentrate on the jury member, but his eyes were constantly flying back to the half filled glass on his desk. 

-“Well that rather depends on the perspective, doesn’t it? I mean my opinion is that a sandwich should be given a right of choice upon the manner of his demise. But _some_...”- he punctuated, glancing at a certain man that was stuffing his face in a sandwich-“...do not agree.” 

-“Quite right.”- judge said- “Erm...”- he blinked his glassy eyes a couple of times trying to zoom in on the member of the jury that was now chewing loudly, proudly showing of his technique. 

-“Right.”- he said returning his view closer, with some difficulty, and fixing it to the desk; suddenly very confused as to why he had a gavel indeed, and how come no one has come to refill his drink-really! 

-“Where was I?” - he asked after a few moments. 

-“The verdict.”- bailiff offered. 

-“Yes, the verdict...So what is it?” 

-“I just told you.”- jury man was confused. 

-“About the theft.”- the judge was now rubbing his eyes and remembering bits of what was happening. 

-“What theft?”- jury man said turning around wildly-“Did someone steal something? That’s outrageous!” he decided. 

-“The girl!”- judge was starting to lose his patience now; mostly for the lack of drink in his glass that was now clearly mocking him. –“She stole, well tried to steal the flower.” – he continued. 

-“I object!”- Doctor rose to his feet a bit too fast, tumbling and supporting his weight with both hands on the desk.-“I utterly and irrevocably object your highness, I mean your _honor_!” 

-“To which part?”- judge asked. Clearly, he cannot object to the whole thing; that would mean they would have to start all over again, and he just had no desire to do that- his eyes were asking for compassion, loudly. 

- _pause_ -“I forgot.”- Doctor answered, now looking down sadly, and returning to his seat. 

-“Right, let’s proceed...”- judge’s mood was slightly lifted now. 

-“I remembered!”- Doctor yelled enthusiastically standing up again.-“I object to the frankly horrid manner in which the poor sandwich is being devoured. That’s all. Do continue.”- he waived his hand, sat back down once more covering his face as if the lights were added to the list of things he could not manage at the moment. _Really the nerve of that Sun...After all they've been through._

Beneath him, Clara was silently contemplating the not so subtle manner in which she will punish him for his behavior; she just needed to get her hands on him; if she manages to keep them, that is. 

Meanwhile, the jury representative was having a heated argument with the other one, who has now decided to feast upon an innocent donut. 

The judge was just looking at the glass and contemplating whether he filling it up by himself would be considered unprofessional, then losing his patience completely he said: 

-“So what about it then? What’s the decision of the jury?” 

-“Oh- she’s guilty. Yeah, completely. We all agree on that”- jury member said while others nodded at him in approval. 

-“Excellent. Will the defendant please rise.”- judge said and Clara stood up, now casting significant glances at the Doctor. Doctor, meanwhile, was rather struck by this fast development; he did not even bother to wake up. 

-“Miss defendant, you have been found guilty for the attempt of theft of the flower that I forgot the name of, and you will therefore be released with a verbal warning, and into the custody of the Lord of Time with no name, for proper punishment. Please accept this gift...”- he said pointing at a guard that was now placing a bracelet on her left arm-“...as a token of our gratitude and best wishes. There will now be a celebratory cocktail party, for I am parched.”- he finished banging his gavel loudly. 

_to be continued_


	4. Biologically impossible

Clara was dragging Doctor by his arm towards the TARDIS. The moment cocktails were mentioned, the Time Lord woke up- _naturally_.  
Clara contemplated of giving him a verbal/non-verbal calamity right then and there, but then decided it would probably be best to get somewhere private; as to avoid another imprisonment and such. So she took him by the sleeve and ignored all of his: _But Clara-cocktails!_... and... – _Really offensive_..., that he managed to lash out on her while downing a couple of them, and making a frown face as to judge her apparent and insistent lack of social skills. 

 

They reached the blue box, but not before he managed to make a few toasts with some delighted passers-by. She pushed him inside because, obviously, he had some difficulty squeezing through by himself. She then went around the central console, while the Doctor lingered at the door; leaning on it with his back and spreading arms over the frame passionately. Clara’s arms crossed over her chest, she began taping her foot on the floor to express the level of her annoyance at the childish behavior her alien friend was conveying, but he took no notice. 

 

Hugging the doors of his bellowed time machine from behind, he placed a cheek on the frame.

 

-“I missed you too...Yes...I know...”- he answered to the hum vibrations the machine was giving him.

 

_Angry buzzing_

 

-“No, I’m not drunk!”- he said,-“Why is everyone saying that?”

 

_More buzzing_

 

-“...no, I don’t want you to scan me...”-he said softly.

 

-“Now, that’s just rude...”- he declared while the TARDIS scanned him and concluded that he was, indeed, drunk.

 

-“Of course I can drive...”- Doctor said gently caressing the door frame, now turned towards it; his entire face on it-almost kissing it. He fought the urge to do so- heaven knows why- but he did.

 

_Locking sound_

 

-“Damn.”- he sighed, dropping his flaying arms on the sides in defeat; his head still pressed to the door that was now making mocking sounds... _rude, really rude_...

 

-Fine, I give up- he thought; “women, right?”- He’ll never understand them. He then turned around managing to notice another one from that group; taping her little foot on the floor and waiting for something; looking directly at him. Now what?

 

-“Doctor,”- Clara started-“...come here.”- she said pointing with a finger at a particular spot in front of her. She was giving him a petulant -child treatment, and he could not fathom as to why- he has been a constant fucking delight on their journey- he’s 99% sure.

 

-“Why?’- he said suspiciously while noting yet another death stare thrown at him by the angry little woman he adored, but never really managed to understand fully.

 

-“Do as you’re told.”- she said calmly.

 

Doctor considered complying for a moment, but decided he would most definitely do no such thing- thank you very much.

 

-“Fine.”- he said going incredibly slowly towards her; making sure to examine every little detail of the railing that lead to the console with his hand; for it was most certainly of the utmost importance. Fine- he repeated in his head; _but not because you told me so, you silly woman, but because of deeply emotional, yet not fully formed, but on the other hand highly made up reasons_ \- his brain offered. _Good job, brain_ \- he agreed.

 

After what felt like centuries, he was standing in that designated spot, leaning slightly to the side- or in other words- balancing with the help of the center console.

 

-“Tell me Doctor,”- Clara begun-“...how angry would you say I am at the moment? Out of ten.”- she offered.

 

-“3.12”- Doctor said almost immediately, nodding his head in approval.

 

-“Interesting...And how did you come up with that?”

 

He wanted to explain to her how it all has to do with recreational mathematics- extrapolating her posture, face expression, faze of the moon, the sound that the breeze makes as it flies through her hair, and the pattern in which the dust particles were settling on her nose...He could draw it up on the black board- but honestly- he doubted he could manage to successfully maneuver those three feet to the retched thing, so he just said:

 

-“I’m super intelligent.”

 

Slap! Her right arm connected with his face with a sound, and it took the Doctor by surprise. Covering his throbbing cheek he tried again:

 

-“4.7?”

 

-“Enough.”- Clara has had it. After a few short breaths, she accepted the absurdity of the whole situation. It was pointless to explain anything to the Doctor in this state; he had issues seeing reason even sober and fully functional. So she just said:

 

-“I’m off to bed. Sober up. We’ll talk in the morning.”- and with that she was up the stairs, and out of sight.

 

******************************************************

 

He was waken up suddenly and quite violently by the double pounding in his temples, and a very -VERY loud- _Good morning!-_ by his brain.

Shush! - Doctor tried, but the brain continued enthusiastically- _Time to start a new day!_ \- he yelled at him, sending another wave of pain to his head.- _You will be experiencing some minor discomfort during the day, such as: headache, nausea and dizziness, but hey!-we had fun last night, didn’t we?_

Shut up brain- Doctor answered. 

OK. It was starting to come back to him. The lingering sore feeling in his cheek- that must have been Clara- he deduced. So she still had arms. Note to self- you’re obviously a brilliant lawyer; keep up the good work. He opened his eyes slowly. 

He was in his armchair in the console room; God only knows how he managed to get there safely...A damp spot on his shirt below the mouth- hmmm- must have been the TARDIS leaking- he looked up to the ceiling; should probably fix that. 

Right-sit wrap: flower, trial, awesomeness that is me, Clara freed, alcohol intoxication...I’d say it all went rather well, Doctor deduced to which his brain agreed. At least someone can appreciate the constant battle he’s putting up with in the name of others -who, quite frankly, could be a tad more grateful- he finished the thought standing up. He most certainly was not going to apologize. 

**************************************** 

Clara woke up a few hours later in her TARDIS room, to the sound of gentle humming of the machine. Have they moved? It seems the Doctor sobered up during the night, and the “old girl” reinstated his flying privileges. She could never be angry at him for long...But Clara could- she decided sitting up on the bed, then almost yelling out in horror when she saw something floating right in front of her nose. What the hell? 

The metallic-silver-coated flower frowned at the lack of appreciation towards its beauty’s apparent magnitude. 

-“Doctor!”- Clara yelled not taking her eyes of the smirking flower. 

Tumble...Scratch...Stumble, crash...Foot-steps...Door-shrieking and a fluffy head peeking through them. 

-“That’s my name.”- he declared opening the door a bit more, and daring himself to come in a few inches. Was she still angry? He could never tell. Is he going to get another slap? It was a constant roller coaster with this woman- he decided. 

-“What is this?”- Clara said pointing with her eyes at the spinning supermodel. 

-“It’s a flower, Clara.”- _Honestly, how could she not see that?_

-“I thought you might want one, you know, as a souvenir from our trip, or something...”- he offered crossing his palms awkwardly. 

-“So you did.”- she said ignoring the flower’s indignant gestures that were saying: _Notice me! Why are you not paying attention to me? Why I never..._

-“The one that you did not have to steal, that is.”- Doctor said pointing at the shirt she was currently wearing. 

Clara opened her mouth to probably say something quite rude and inappropriate for a flower of that stature to be exposed to, so the Doctor interrupted her: 

-“It’s a very special flower too.”- he said quickly-“ It changes color according to the person’s mood.” 

-Clara returned her gaze to the flower that was now borderline black with a dash of silver lining left on its stem. _Yep, that sounds about right_ \- she admitted, and the rage began to subside. 

The flower noticing the sudden change in emotion, adjusted its coating accordingly. It was now light silver with some purple lines, strutting around playfully. Clara sighed. TARDIS is right- how could anyone stay angry at the Doctor for long? It’s biologically impossible. She smiled. 

_The End_

**Author's Note:**

> Dyogenes of Sinope: Greek philosopher, and one of the founders of Cynic philosophy.


End file.
